Cortez and The Lord of the Rings

Cortez: okay, let me get this straight. I am supposed to join a group of Hobbits and escort them to Rivendell to meet Elrond. Okay, that is cool. I like hiking.

* * *

Cortez at the Shire.

Omg, they serve second breakfast here! I am so in!

* * *

What do you mean we have to leave the Shire, Gandalf? They have second breakfast here!

* * *

Cortez in Bree.

This guy smells like he rolled in squirrels. He's cool. I say, let's bring him along!

Oh, I am sorry but there appears to be some miscommunication. I don't carry a pack. Get a pony!

* * *

Cortez on Weathertop.

Ummm, hello! I am trying to sleep here! Oh man, where the heck did Frodo go now? That Squirrel-smelling Guy always gets so pissed when we lose Frodo.

* * *

Cortez in Rivendell

Nice place you got here, Elrond. I will take your bed to sleep in- oh yes, Arwen, scratch my belly- it's okay.

* * *

Cortez crosses the Mountains.

HELLO! I am getting snow inbetween my toes!

* * *

Cortez enters Moria.

HELLO! It's dark in here!

* * *

Cortez finds Lothlorien.

Nice place. Lots of trees. Got any squirrels?

Cool Mirror of water you got here. Excuse me for a second while I grab a drink.

* * *

Cortez in Fangorn.

I can pee here. I can pee here. I can pee here. Wait a sec . . . why are all these trees following me???

* * *

Cortez meets Saruman.

You are a bad man. Oh Cool, a stash of Hobbit potatoes. Could you cook these up for me? I like them fried in butter.

* * *

Cortez goes to Rohan.

This place smells funny. I don't like it.

* * *

Cortez fights in Helm's Deep.

You think your bad-ass? You orcs still use peepads at your wizard's door! Yea, and your mamas still use pee pads too! Yea, you run away! I kicked your butt before Gandalf got here!

* * *

Cortez arrives at Minas Tirth.

The only tree to pee on is Dead? I am supposed to pee on a dead tree? Oh, that is so wrong.

* * *

Cortez meets a Nazgul.

Yea, and your mama uses a pee pad too!

Nazgul: No man can kill me!

Ha! Not only am I not a man! I am Shiba and I am neutered! I bite your ankle and make you fall flat on your face! Now, send that Oliphant over here, and I will take him too!

Legolas is such a show off . . .

* * *

Cortez at the Gates of Mordor.

Hmmm. I smell hobbits. Better follow them. I could use a second breakfast.

* * *

Cortez at Mount Doom.

Allow me to explain the following. The Shire is Mine. Weathertop is Mine. Rivendell is Mine. The Mountains are Mine. Moria is Mine. Lothlorion is Mine. Rohan is Mine. Minas Tirth is Mine. Mordor is Mine. Ummm, I think that Ring is Mine too.

<>

Well, that was stupid. You dropped it in the lava. You got any other toys to play with?

No?

Got any treats?

No?

What the heck are we doing here!!??!!

The Conclusion:

The Shiba moves back to the Shire after helping to cleanse the area of all corruption, and establishes the essence of all that is Shiba. The Tree? It is His. Bag End? It is his. Frodo gave it to him when he went West.

Cortez:

Wait! There is a Road Trip and I can't go? NOT FAIR!!!!



I Am Shiba. Tolkien Needed More Shibas, Less Cats.