Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
(Dog Trainer Version)

Pavlov: we fed the chicken on the opposite side of the road each day at 4 p.m. until the
chicken's autonomic system actually began causing the chicken to cross the road at 4 p.m. without even questioning the why.

B.F. Skinner: on prior occasions when the chicken voluntarily crossed the road, this behavior was followed immediately by a reinforcing consequence.

Cesar Milan: I bullied, chased, poked, and intimidated the chicken until it raced across the road, because I am a strong leader…

Barbara Woodhouse: You just say, Walkies with the right accent and place a crumpet on the other side of the road…

Karen Pryor (Clicker Training): by associating R+ with road crossing and P+ with standing still, with a VR schedule, and offering a reward in keeping with the Premack principle, we increased the intensity and frequency of the road crossing behavior.

Bill Koehler: a few well-timed pops on the choke chain and the chicken was happy to cross the road.

Nicholas Dodman : I gave the chicken fluoxetine, sertraline, paroxetine, carbamazepine, and azapirone and then it was happy to cross the road.

Patti Ruzzo: I crossed the road, pausing every step to spit a treat out of my mouth like a human pez dispenser and the chicken followed along catching the treats.

Victoria Stilwell: So what if the chicken crossed the road, who cares where the chicken went ... the bigger issue is do these pants make me bum look fat?

Connie Cleveland: Because chickens are problem solvers

Diane Bauman: We put turtles on the road and made sure the chicken was well proofed in crossing it between the turtles

Bobbi Anderson: I am the primary motivator for the chicken crossing the road as I am all things FUN! The chicken tried to cross back over the road. I walked up to it and said in my most shocked voice, "WHAT are YOU DOING??? I said, CROSS THE ROAD", then I acted crazy and started squealing and running around like a chicken with its head cut off and the chicken came back to me because I am FUN and interesting!

Susan Garrett: I taught the chicken a motivational tug and it happily tugged across the road

Blanche Saunders-Forward! Say heel and jerk the leash! If the chicken lags, jerk forward, if the chicken gets distracted use a series of short snappy jerks. When you get to the other side cuff him before he sits and if the chicken sits crooked cuff it again

Electric Collar Advocate: whenever the chicken does not cross the road I give it an electric shock. But do not worry, the shock is no more than you would feel if you walked on a carpet wearing socks and it does not bother the chicken at all. The feathers standing up and the smell of burning flesh mean nothing. In fact, they are happier having nice clear communication than they would be otherwise. (and we all know how much Shibas respond to shock collars!)

Purely Positive trainer: chickens are just like little people in feather jackets, and if you love them and give them diamonds and feel sorry for them all the time, they will be happy to cross the road for you.

Paris Hilton: Because I put it in a Gucci bag and carried it.

Shelter director: Any chickens that do not cross the road will be euthanized for their own good, and the others we will adopt out tomorrow for only $200 each. Please send us money so we can keep doing more of this important work!

HSUS member: I do not know anything about animals, I have never been around animals and am not really fond of animals, but we passed a law mandating that chickens be kept without cages because animals belong only in the wild and cannot be happy coexisting with man, so now they are walking wherever they want.

PETA member: chickens have the right to live in a world without roads. Any chicken that lives within a hundred miles of a road is suffering an inhumane existence and might eventually be hit by a car so we should kill it today to ensure that it does not die tomorrow.