AKC Restructuring Continues

The AKC As It Is Today

The Woman is on some kind of strange cleaning frenzy. It is strange because usually she just picks something up and moves it to another spot in the house, but now she is like washing things and making life inconvenient for me (again!) by destroying areas that I have intentionally packed with fur for my own comfort, and she has been removing it. It is quite disheartening.

But to summarize what I discussed yesterday, I have removed the Norwegian Elkhound from the Hound Group, combined the 4 Cocker Spaniels into one, and decided that the term "Working Dog" is a stupid category because let's face it, being a canine among you humanoids is work enough.

I did decide last night to remove the Baseji from the Hunting Group. That breed deserves better than to be tossed in with the redheaded stepchild Irish Setters and their colorful yet similar almost-identical Gordon Setter twin.

Today, we need to examine at those small yappy things in the category called "Toy." What ever possessed the AKC to classify dogs as "Toys?" We are not toys; we are living, breathing creatures of this earth no matter how many dogs Paris Hilton or other fashion victims use to match their wardrobe. And if you look at this mismash of dogs that share only height as their general reason for being tossed together. So while I would like to just call this classification, "The Yappy Things," I have been informed that I need to come up with something a little more dignified, such as "Dogs You Step On Without Noticing."

But today's big advancement is that I am announcing a new category to the AKC, and rearranging a number of breeds into this category. This category will be called "The Bully Breeds" which will have five major qualifications. The first is that it's face needs to look like it banged its nose into a wall one too many times. Second, it needs to be able to drool to where you just give them what you are eating in the hopes that they just go away before any of their saliva gets on you. Third, it needs to be larger than a Pekingese which definitely looks and acts like it walked into one too many walls but fails on the height and fur qualification. Fourth, the fur is short with the exception of the Tibetan Mastiff because it fits into the group because it can drool with the best of them. But fifth and most importantly, this is any breed of dog that causes you to walk on the other side of the street when you see it coming, particularly if you have a Shiba with you, because the Shiba will want to bully that breed. These are the dogs from the other side of the tracks, the ones with the bad reputations that every one freaks out about if they read an article about one even remotely coming into contact with a human being.

So, Mastiffs, Rottweilers, Boxers, American Staffordshire Terriers (seriously, when you think of a terrier, is this the breed that comes to mind?), Bulldogs, etc will all be placed into this category. It's an easy category to remember because unlike the title "Working Breed" which requires memorizing that the German Shepherd is actually a Herding Dog and not a Working Dog, this is the "Oh Shit" breed when you realize that there is one nearby loose in the dog park, attempting to breed with your cute Yorkshire Terrier because you didn't realize she was in heat. Not that 99% of these dogs deserve that reputation that they have gotten, but let's face it. If it looks like it could eat you, it probably can so into this category it goes.

But what about the Pug, everyone asks? Pugs also belong here because of their ability to disrupt an entire household's sleep cycle with just their snoring alone. People go psychotic without sleep, hence, Pugs can be placed in the Bully Breed category for just making their owners insane by merely sleeping on the couch.

It will take a body-suited judge to examine each animal as well as a very large arena to keep each one separated from each other (I need to check your Staffordshire Terrier's testicle. Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you). Maybe we could hire a few rappers to do the judging but either way, this new classification will place all the bad rep dogs into one category so the rest of us can work the show ring without worry.



I Am Shiba. Tomorrow: How Are Herding Dogs Not Working Dogs?