I Am Shiba.

Dedicated to momentary thoughts and musings of A Shiba Inu.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Je Suis Batman

It has been an interesting few days in the world of The Shiba. The holidays have come and gone, with good food, and dog treats, and plenty of nice walks and playtime since The Man and The Woman are vacationing. 'Course this means that they sleep in late and my morning constitutionals are hours later than I would prefer, but not everything can be perfect when Humans are involved.

I met a very young Shiba the other day. The Woman and I drove to the grocery store, and there was a very young energetic black and tan Shiba who could not keep his paws still. He wanted to play and jump and lick everyone, so after briefly playing, I proceeded to show him the dignity of what is Shiba, much to the amazement of his people (as this youngster proceeded to bounce around everyone like a flea in a dog kennel). The Woman was enamored with him and repeatedly told him what a pretty puppy he was. Yes, I reminded her, until he chews up your shoes.

About three days prior to the hyperactive puppy incident, I singlehandedly stopped what was assumed to be a robbery at a liquor store. As it was late at night, The Woman always takes me when she travels, and she often takes me into the stores as I am guarding and well-behaved. Well, that night, Two Large African American men walked in with ski masks and started to abuse the staff, and became very aggressive. I did not like this. This store is part of my territory, my kingdom. The men who work at the store are nice to me and The Woman. No, I did not like these two men at all, being so mean to everyone around them. So I lunged forward and started to bark at them, raising the fur on my back to make me look bigger, and I started to show them my Kung Fu maneuvers to prove my seriousness.

They had to leave now!

The Two Large African American Men started to yell at the staff about my presence in the store. Ask me, guys, why I am here. It is to keep The Woman safe from riff-raff like you. I continued to express my dissatisfaction at their presence in the store, and after a few moments, they turned and left. For a few moments, everyone in the store was quiet. I heard The Woman call my name, and I came over, pushing my butt into her legs to tell her that everything was all right. Then everyone started to talk at once, and The Woman, escorted by a staff member, returned to her car.

She split her Vietnamese Pho Soup with me, which was very nice.

Yesterday, I found The Woman crying. She put her arms around me, and told me that soon she has to go in for a biopsy and that she was scared. She then told me that I could not come with her. I was shocked and surprised. This is stupid. She would not be scared if I could accompany her to the doctor's office. But I am worried. I worry when she goes places where I can not follow. How can I make her feel better if I am not there?

I Am Shiba. I Am The Protector of My World.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Who is God Babe?

And why is he living in my house?

Now I need to have a philisophical moment here. This is the season of Winter Solstice, the birth of Jesus, the Jewish Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and an assortment of other holiday celebrations to include St. Nicolas's Day, the Twelth Day of Christmas, and my personal favorite, the Christmas Eve feast. Now, all of these holidays include the giving of gifts (thank you everyone for all the lovely dog treats and cookies that I have received!), lots of food (just drop a little of that Kielbasa on the floor and everyone will be happy!), and honoring some important person or deity that has meaning to each individual's daily life.

Imagine my suprise when I found out that I was not the deity of celebration in this household. The Felines tell me that they hold their own private celebration of Bast around Halloween (this is the holiday where I am crated because it appears that I drive everyone crazy by telling them that the doorbell is ringing and I attempt to protect the candy from being taken by hordes of small children. It is not a good Shiba Holiday) and for that Christmas, they just prefer to eat alot of catnip and chew the ribbons off the presents, ignoring the noise and frivolity of every individual involved.

So, as I ponder this holiday month of spirituality and consumerism, I wonder who is this diety to which the Woman keeps refering. Over and over throughout the year, I hear statements such as:

"God Babe, how did you do that?" (obviously a miracle was performed).

"God Babe, what were you thinking?" (obviously an attempt at understand omnipotence)

"God Babe, you want me to do what?" (obviously a challenge of religious obedience)

So I look around for this Babe of God of which The Woman keeps refering. I see no signs of deities (despite what The Felines claim) sans myself and I know that she is not referring to me because my miracles are more mundane, she knows I am omnipotent, and she is unquestionably obedient to my needs.

That leaves one other individual who could be "God Babe."

The Man.

And his birthday is December 21st. Kinda near this holiday on December 25th when another baby was born. I am now suspicious of him, and his potential challenge to the heirarchy of importance within the household.

So everytime he sits on the couch, I now stare at him intently, wondering, does he truly possess the powers of a God? Is he an incarnate of some forgotten deity to whom The Woman refers?

I start my research. I post messages on the neighborhood internet and finally, find my answer on the tree of the house that has the largest Saint Benard the World has ever known. I see that my assessment is correct as The Man, The Woman, and I are watching Pirates of the Carribean.

The Man is obviously the reincarnation of Cthulhu. Who else could he be? As I am the deity of everything good and fuzzy of this world, he must represent all that is evil and slimy. And The Woman, oh the poor Woman, she is confused- torn between worshipping the Golden God or the Creature of the Black Lagoon.

So, as the year comes to its closing, I resolve to lead The Woman back into the Light and away from the corrupt, evil being who is attempting to take her slavish obedience away from me. I shall begin my contemplation of the takeover after my afternoon nap.

I Am Shiba. There Shall Be No Other Gods Before Me.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Shiba Carols

I believe so rewriting is necessary to this archiac old tunes. Hence, the following. First, Jingle Bells, then Silent Night, and finally, Santa Claus is coming to Town:


Chipmunks smell and are so swell
Chipmunks are so has-ty
All my time is to find a chipmunk den that is so ta-sty

blah blah blah . . .


Crated tonight, Cats are in sight
All is not calm, Nothing is right
Round my toys, they walk
Bother-ing Mine
Staring at me, they taunt
And make me just whine
Creep in my toys, they don't cea-se
Creep in my toys, they don't cea-se


You better watch out! You better not run!
You better not shout, cause I'll ruin your fun!
Shiba jaws are comin' on down
Shiba claws are workin' the groun'
Shiba Cortez is comin' to town

I'm makin' a list, I chewing it up
I'm lookin' to beat up some Yorkshire pup

Shiba jaws are comin' on down
Shiba claws are workin' the groun'
Shiba Cortez is comin' to town

I see you when you're sleepin'
I know when you're behind that fence
I know that I can prance over here
Cause there ain't nothin' you can do

You better watch out! You better not run!
You better not shout, cause I'll ruin your fun!
Shiba jaws are comin' on down
Shiba claws are workin' the groun'
Shiba Cortez is comin' to town

Little pugs bark, and little pups run
I steal their toys and I ruin their fun
Silly Pit Bulls fart and funny Labadors whine
With a wag of their tail, I defeat them just fine

Shiba jaws are comin' on down
Shiba claws are workin' the groun'
Shiba Cortez is comin' to town

The cats and dogs of my land
All bow when I appear
They always give me clearance
Whenever I need to pee


You better watch out! You better not run!
You better not shout, cause I'll ruin your fun!
Shiba jaws are comin' on down
Shiba claws are workin' the groun'
Shiba Cortez is comin' to town

I Am Shiba. I Bow to All My Fans.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Mother Nature

It's raining, It's pouring
The Shiba is snoring
He went outside
And could not abide
So he is not gonna pee until morning

Friday, December 08, 2006

How to Scare The Woman, Lesson 1

The Woman has been very busy lately. This is evident by the piles of "stuff" that she inconveniently leaves lying around, making everyone of us nervous by the lack of organization within the household. How can one feel comfortable in their surroundings when the Leadership appears unable to find a paperclip?

(They are in the desk behind the computer, in the little plastic container, next to the printer, which, by the way, needs paper! Sometimes, I have to remind The People of everything).

So, The Woman went shopping the other day, for cheese among other things (which had not been on my food for THREE days- intolerable living conditions, I tell you) and was entering and leaving the house repeatedly, bringing more and more bags. I waited a few moments to feign disinterest at her return, only to hear her leave once more.

And I admit, I panicked. I thought she was leaving for more errands and I was afraid that, once more, she would be leaving me behind. Seeing that the screen door was closing, I did what every good Shiba has done at least once (or twice) in their life:

I squeezed through and ran outside.

I saw The Woman unloading more bags from the car so I stood behind her, waiting for her greeting and salutations. When she turned around, she dropped the bags, and immediately started to talking to me, petting me, and saying how much I deserved a treat.

Yes. Yes. Come to think of it, I could use a treat right now so as she ran to the house calling me, I ran with her because a treat would taste very good right now.

Back inside the house, I munch my treat on the carpet while The Woman brings in the last of the bags.

She then collapses next to me and tells me that I am a good boy. I know that.

But I would still like to go for a ride in the car soon.

I Am Shiba. I Help Keep Your Arteries Clean.